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A few more jokes.

benny1982

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#1
Hi

What is a horses favourite TV programme?
Neighhh-bours.

What do you call a fish that likes to sing?
Tuna Turner.

This man walked into a bar with a block of tarmac in his hand.
He ssaid to the barman "Can I have a pint of bitter and one for the road".

Paddy and Mary were walking along the street.
Mary said "Slow down Paddy I cant keep up with you"
Paddy replied "Mary when I am by myself I walk twice as fast"
Mary replied "Well I am glad that I am not with you when you're by yourself".

Ben
 
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benny1982

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#3
Hi

What fish always likes to sleep?
A Kip-per.


This bloke was a fan of police programmes and liked to watch The Bill but he also liked to watch The Final Reminder and The Bank Statement as well.

This man broke his leg in 3 places.
He never wanted to go back to those 3 places afterwards.

Ben
 

p.risboy

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#4
Hi

What fish always likes to sleep?
A Kip-per.


This bloke was a fan of police programmes and liked to watch The Bill but he also liked to watch The Final Reminder and The Bank Statement as well.

This man broke his leg in 3 places.
He never wanted to go back to those 3 places afterwards.

Ben
Hey Benny, did you have some christmas crackers left over.:biggrin:

Steve.:)
 

benny1982

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#5
Hi

I find that the simple jokes are the funniest. The really long ones are not so as you forget the beginning by the time of the punchline and the ending isnt very funny.

Ben
 

p.risboy

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#7
No Benny, my brain cell needs time to catch up. Short and simple too quick for me. By the time it's told. I'm still processing the first line.

So,.........Noddy's day.
Noddy wakes up and says, "good morning bed".
He swings his feet out and put's on his slippers, and say's "good morning slippers".
He walks to the bedroom door, "good morning bedroom door"
He walks to the bathroom, "good morning bathroom".
Picks up his tooth brush, "good morning toothbrush"
Squeezes the tooth paste, "good morning toothpaste".
Looks in the mirror, "good morning mirror".
washes his face, "good morning soap".
Combs his hair, "good morning comb".

Goes to get dressed in the bedroom.

Put's on his pants and trousers, " good morning pants and trousers."
Put's on his vest and shirt, "good morning vest and shirt".
Put's on his socks and shoes, "good morning socks and shoes".
Noddy goes down stairs, "good morning stairs".
He walks into the kitchen, "good morning kitchen".
Picks up the kettle, "good morning kettle".
Turns on the tap, "good morning tap".
He gets the teapot, "good morning teapot".
Picks up his cup and saucer, "good morning cup and saucer".
Get's his Rice Crispies, "good morning Rice Crispies".
Goes to the fridge, "good morning fridge".
Pulls out the milk, "good morning milk".

He finishes breakfast.

He goes to the hatstand, "good morning hatstand".
He puts on his blue cap, "good morning blue cap".
Then put's on his shoes, "good morning shoes".
Put's on his jacket, "good morning jacket".
Picks up his car keys, "good morning car keys".
He opens his front door, "good morning front door".
Steps onto the garden path, "good morning garden path".
Walks to the garage, "good morning garage".
Opens the doors, "good morning garage doors".
Goes to his car, "good morning Noddy's car".
He walks down the drive, "good morning drive".
He opens the gates, "good morning gates".

He starts his car and drives to the main road, "good morning main road".
He drives past Policeman Plod, "good morning Policeman Plod".
He drives past the shops, "good morning shops".
Turns the corner, "good morning corner".
Drives down the lane, "good morning lane".
He then pulls up outside Big Ears gate, "good morning Big Ears gate".
Walks up his path, "good morning Big Ears path".
And then to his door, "good morning Big Ears door".
Rings the bell, "good morning Big Ears bell".
Looks through the letterbox, "good morning Big Ears letterbox".
Smells the flowers from the hanging baskets, "good morning Big Ears hanging baskets".
Turns and looks at the front garden, "good morning Big Ears front garden".
Big Ears opens the door.
And Noddy says, "good morning Big Ears".
And Big Ears says,........



































What the bl00dy hell do you want ??.


Enjoy it.
Steve.:2fun:
 
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juliejtp

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#8
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on ahead.'

12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

15. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

16. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

17. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects.
 
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#9
A man visits an animal behaviouriist with his 2 dogs.
"I don't understand it but every time they hear a bell they go to opposite corners of the room and then come out fighting"

Well sir what do you expect, they are boxers.

Gwenyth
 

p.risboy

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#10
The foreman on a building site asked a labourer to go and fetch a wheelbarrow and clean out the semi-completed houses, as the site owner was coming around for a general inspection and to see progress.

The labourer trotted of in his quest for the wheelbarrow.

Over 2 hours pass, and the labourer turns up with a wheelbarrow, in side another wheelbarrow.

"Where in the bl**dy hell have you been you stupid little man", the foreman said.

"I've been looking for a wheelbarrow," he shouted back.

"Well you've got 2". the foreman said.

"I know", said the labourer, "I had one hell of a job finding the second one".

"WHY DO YOU NEED TWO" the foreman shouted...........



























"DO YOU THINK I WAS GOING TO CARRY IT, STUPID" He replied.

Steve.:)
 
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benny1982

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#11
This man got made redundant from the coal mine.
He was disgraced and said "This is the pits".

A man wanted to bury his dead dog in the pet cemetery. He bought a grave.
But he returned after buying the grave and couldnt find it anywhere.
He was aghast and had really lost the plot.

Ben
 

benny1982

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#13
Whats Irish and looks like a parrot?
A carrot.

This man and his wife were sexually compatible for the first time in yeras.
They both had headaches at the same time.
 

benny1982

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#15
What do you call a woman with a tile on her head?
Roof.

What do you call a woman without a tile on her head?
Roof-less.

How high is a Chinaman.
 

benny1982

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#17
What do you call 3 women with months on their head?
April, May and their friend June.

What two women friends always like going to America?
Mrs-sippi and her mate Beverley Hills.

Knock Knock
Whose there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?

Ben
 

benny1982

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#18
This man wanted to research his surname origin so he asked for a coat or arms but couldn't get a coat of arms he had to get a coat of legs.

This shop ran out of seafood.
They could only sell D food.

What fish is always eating other fish?
Jack The Kipper.
 

benny1982

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#19
Why did the man throw blood coloured Dulux emulsion all over the high street, market stalls, pedestrian areas and shopping centre?
He wanted to paint the town red.

What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable pupil at the inflatatble school?
You have let me down, you have let yourself down and you have let the school down.

Ben
 

benny1982

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#20
Where in Middlesex do people go to get their clothes dirty, blotchy and messy?
Staines

Where do people go in Lancashire to get a new hairpiece?
Wigan.

What is a birdwatchers favourite daredevil sport?
Budgie Jumping.

Where in London do you find lots of stairs?
Stepney

Where in Sussex is it always light?
Brighton

Where do you go to buy some cattle?
Oxford
 
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