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Jokes from Oz

p.risboy

0
Staff member
Moderator
Location
In Ireland, but born Bucks.
From
England
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?
(Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q : Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in America which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on Rest and Recuperation, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
(USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first


Steve.:)
 
gday mate if you talk nice to gibbo we might make you a honorary OZ
of to bed going fishing tomorrow so need to be up early .
have a good one Glen
 
gday mate if you talk nice to gibbo we might make you a honorary OZ
of to bed going fishing tomorrow so need to be up early .
have a good one Glen

Hey Glen

I think we can make him a honorary aussie. We should send him a jar of vegemite just to make it offical:2fun: :2fun:

gibbo
 
Hey Glen

I think we can make him a honorary aussie. We should send him a jar of vegemite just to make it offical:2fun: :2fun:

gibbo

I am ready and willing to stuff myself with vegemite, and look forward to my honorary inclusion to the Oz fold of superior human beings.

Good luck with them fishes Glen. :)

Steve.:)
 
I am now curious, will have to get some and try it.:)

Oh well, cutting the lawn is out, the heavens have just dumped copious amounts of the wet stuff.

Vegemite hunting, here we come.:)

Steve.:)

I dont think you can get it in Ireland. i know you cant in France and i dont think you can in england neither. let me know and if you cant get it i will send you a small bottle

gibbo
 
I am now curious, will have to get some and try it.:)

Oh well, cutting the lawn is out, the heavens have just dumped copious amounts of the wet stuff.

Vegemite hunting, here we come.:)

Steve.:)

oh silly me i hadnt finished talking and pushed the submit button:D
we did our lawn today What am i going to do with you, that wet stuff is called RAIN. Were i am we dont get alot of it, i only know about it because i looked it up on the net.:2fun: :2fun: :2fun:

gibbo
 
oh silly me i hadnt finished talking and pushed the submit button:D
we did our lawn today What am i going to do with you, that wet stuff is called RAIN. Were i am we dont get alot of it, i only know about it because i looked it up on the net.:2fun: :2fun: :2fun:

gibbo

Rain is something that I am quite familiar with Gibbo, it just appears when you need it the least here.:2fun: :2fun: :2fun:

And as for Vegemite http://www.kraftfoods.co.uk/kraft/page?siteid=kraft-prd&locale=uken1&PagecRef=2368&Mid=2368

UK and Ireland. Whoopee, will have to send them an email and see if there are stockists in Ireland.:)

Steve.:)
 
Do they put it in sachets Gibbo, not sure if a bottle would survive.:)

I think you can get it in little packets, like enough for one peice of toast type pack, might be able to get a box of a dozen or something. i will check out what is available. otherwise i have bubble wrap and a postage box and can put it in there. i will let you know when i find out.

gibbo
 
I think you can get it in little packets, like enough for one peice of toast type pack, might be able to get a box of a dozen or something. i will check out what is available. otherwise i have bubble wrap and a postage box and can put it in there. i will let you know when i find out.

gibbo

Would they be available in resturant type places, like the sachets of ketchup and brown sause etc that are put on the tables.

Steve.:)
 
Would they be available in resturant type places, like the sachets of ketchup and brown sause etc that are put on the tables.

Steve.:)

Yep them type sachets. Oh Steve Steve Steve!!! if you are coming to Ozz it is TOMATO SAUCE not ketchup.:2fun: :2fun: I can see we have some work to do.

gibbo
 
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